1. As the new year begins, so does your descent into senility.
2. Make a resolution you know will work...masturbate more.
3. 2007 is your year. Take an American Sign Language class at a community college then stop speaking.
4. Buy Japanese.
5. Somthing wicked this way comes. Lock up your valuables and home school your children.

1. Use extreme caution when wiping this month...you may be soarly disappointed if you don't.
2. You're in luck. Check your mailbox regulalry this month for fortune and riches. Can you say Publishers Clearninghouse?
3. Make a change this month to better your life...switch to the double roll two-ply.
4. Don't give up on your dreams. Unless, of course, you're an alcoholic--no going back, sorry.
5. Life will never get better for you...EVER.
6. Someone very close to you is going to develop prostate cancer on the 21st, ask around.

1. If life gives you lemons, ferment them.
2. School's for suckers, bring crack back.
3. Spring will bring good things this month, but nothing for you.
4. This is not your month. Unfortunately, and with deep regret, It is my duty to let you know, your days are numbered; but only if you use a calendar.
5. Remember when you were supposed to BE somebody? You actually had plans for your life...what happened?
6. Get rich quick. Purchase money.
7. If you truly want a fulfilling life, don't have children. If you do, give them to someone whose life is already a mess.

1. Carrying grudges builds character; don't bury the hatchet, sharpen it.
2. By loving yourself you can cut out the middle man.
3. Be careful walking across Olive between Teazer and Revue--something's bound to happen one of these days.
4. You can't turn a ho into a housewife, but you can turn a housewife into a ho (but remember, there's no turning back).
5. Even the sun shines on a dog's ass once in a while...but unfortunately, not on yours.

1. Although you wander, you are not lost--so what the hell are you looking for? Stop already, you've made your point.
2. A wise man once said "give me liberty or give me death," this man is dead.
3. While you may feel good physically this month, prepare for something catastrophic emotionally around the 25th.
4. Allow yourself some time to unwind--try a refreshing citrus colonic, or a hardy Czech prostate massage.
5. There is absolutely no hope left...but thanks for reading The Undercurrent