Courtship is a game, and like all games, it has rules you must follow to succeed. The most important rule: watch your language. A well-turned phrase can win a woman’s heart; a thoughtless remark will guarantee she'll never speak to you again.

Everyone knows that men and women use language differently, but no one has the courage to explicitly state the difference. It’s simple. Women use language to express their thoughts, their feelings, and their connection to other living beings and the universe. Men use language to disgust women, thereby ensuring that they'll never have sex in their lifetimes.

For a clear example, let’s consider how we refer to our sexual organs. Women do not refer to their sexual organs, ever. Men, on the other hand, find ways to talk about their genitalia every chance they get.

We women can’t stop men from obsessing over their manhood, but we can use the words they use to predict how they are in bed. The word a man uses to refer to his penis is a valuable clue to his self-esteem, his sexuality, his style, technique, execution, and—most importantly—the size of his penis. Trust me.

For proof, I offer two true stories from the trenches of the sexual battlefront.

Once upon a time, when I was younger than I am now, I had sex with a man whose penis might generously be described as pencil-sized. Well, no big deal, right? Yes, indeed, no big deal at all, because I felt absolutely nothing. In fact, I wasn't sure the event was over until he started talking.

Him: Do you know what a BMW is?

Me: (desperately trying to be a polite) Uh…no.

Him: You just had one. It's a Big Mexican Wiener!
Needless to say, I fled.

I was willing to consider that incident a one-time anomaly, until a recent experience I had with a man I had been seeing. Because I am a good person, I went to a great deal of trouble to find a book he had been looking for. With gift in hand, I telephoned him.

Me: I found this great gift for you!

Him: Oh yeah, I have a present for you, too.

Me: You do? What is it? I am so excited!

Him: It's my wiener!

Me: (to myself) Oh God, not again!

Needless to say, I hung up, and I haven't talked to him again.

What self-respecting man refers to his organ as a processed meat product? Do men think they sound confident when they use their body to advertise Oscar Meyer?

This is not a word that elicits girlish excitement; it’s an instant “ewwww!” that no man can recover from. This word is weird, unsettling and downright depressing—a red flag to immediately leave the area.

Gentlemen, the moral is clear: Leave your hot dog in your bun, and learn to talk like a grown-up.