Hey, Nocketback,
I have a friend who’s been staying at my house for over three months. I like the guy, but how do I tell him that it’s time for him to pay rent or move out without pissing him off?
—The Pushover

Dear TP,
Friends are fickle and will use you for as long as they can. Normally I would say change the locks and tell him don’t let the door hit him where the good lord split him. But in this case you have a couple options. (1) Tell him that your place has a black mold or asbestos problem and you both have to evacuate the premises. Then, whenever you see him and he asks if it’s safe yet, just say no and change the subject—talk about the great quake of 1906. (2) While he’s sleeping, put a chair right next to his bed and just sit there until he wakes up and sees you. Wear nothing but an orange belt, a pager, and a necktie (nothing too fancy). When he sees you, simply say these three words, “Papa bear likey,” and walk out. If that doesn’t send him on his way, move out immediately for your own safety.

Hello sir,
I’m in desperate need of some advice. I’m having feelings for my cousin. It sounds ridiculous and I know it’s wrong, but every time I see her, I get aroused. It’s like I can’t even be in the same room with her. What do I do? Move away? Stop talking to her?
—Oedipus Wrecked.

Dear OW,
Well, my friend, love can be a capricious and inconvenient whore. You need to confront your demon. Here’s how, ask her straight up if she’s down to get nasty with you. If she is completely repulsed and hits you, tell her you were joking and she’s actually on a reality show called “Gotcha Bitch” where they set people up on hidden camera. Or, if she’s down with it, hammer away. It’s a can’t-lose situation.