Dear Nocketback,
As the summer is fastly approaching, I’m getting more and more nervous. You see, my friends and I go to the beach every year in July and since I can remember, I’ve been a bigger girl. However, for the last year I’ve worked really hard and dieted and now am feeling and looking a lot better. I’m actually excited to show off my new body at the beach, but there’s one catch. I’m a bit hairy. I shave my legs and that’ no problem but I won’t be able to wear something small and cute, like I’d planned. What should I do?
--Miss New Booty

Dear MFF,
You have a compelling argument and congrats on the newly acquired body—it can be a curse, though. I’ll give it to you straight, sister. You need to get waxed like a European car. Okay, it seems like you have some reservations, but trust me, the sooner you wipe the slate clean, so to speak, you’ll be showing more leg than a dining room table. But, and this is important, you can’t just get a skin-kini. It is imperative that you WAX IT ALL, from Canada to Chile. This is a necessity. And if you have any reservations at all, just wait till you get it done. Not only will you be the envy of your beach mates, but you’ll easily snag yourself a sugar-daddy that’ll finance the trip.

Dear Nocketback,
I find your column, if you can even call it that, offensive, pedestrian, and harmful. Further, you should really stop writing. I mean, has your hate mongering ever actually helped anyone. I know there’s a caveat before your column, and good for The Undercurrent for covering their butts. I don’t see how you can live with yourself. Every single column for the past two years has been worse than the next. Please, do us all a favor and give it up.
--Heated in Fresno

Dear HiF,
Firstly, thanks for the letter. Secondly, seeing that your rage is clearly clouding your cognition, I should fill you in on a few vocabulary developments that have occurred over the past few thousand years. Sar.casm-A cutting, often ironic remark. I.ro.ny-Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs. Still confused, Limbaugh, how about this one: Sar.don.ic-Scournfully mocking. Now, I can’t justly expect you to understand things of this nature because you’re probably a real class act who finds gays deplorable, would commit suicide if your daughter married outside her race, and, I’m almost 100% percent sure, suffering from erectile dysfunction. However, I do thank you for reading my “pedestrian” column for the last two years, way to self-loathe, Pops. How about this, I’ll go out on a limb here and offer you a full year subscription of our Commi-rag. Thanks again for your concern, and in the future, extract the stick from your tightly constricted sphincter and take it with a grain of salt, Morton’s.