Dear Nocketback—August ‘08

Dear Nocketback,
I just started dating this really cool chick. She’s thin, hot, and reads a lot. I don’t really read much but I can fake it. She’s also a vegan and wants me to become one too. I think I might have to if I want to stay with her. But I really like meat and absolutely hate veggies. I try to eat like her, but raw vegetables are like eating colorful dirt. What’s next?
--Meatless in Seattle

Dear MiS,
My friend, god put me here for two reasons: to be the only healthy employed person watching daytime network television, and to help the troubled. I have the perfect solution to get you on track, and her on her back. Next time you two are intimate, try introducing some of her beloved veggies into the bedroom. Scaffold it so she isn’t completely against it. Start with baby carrots then work your way up the root veggie hierarchy—ending with acorn squash. After a while she’ll skip the produce section of the store all together. When this happens, take her to Slates for a fillet mignon and a bottle of Bordeaux.

Dear Nocketback,
I’m about to go on my very first date with this girl I met in class at City. She’s way out of my league and I’m wondering what to do on our first date to impress her.
--S. Gibson

Dear SG,
No time to lose, my friend, you’ll need to purchase a few things, though. Firstly, position your furniture so as the two of you have to sit together on the couch. Place blankets on the other chairs; tell her they have stains from a friend’s pet. Rent a bunch of foreign films and set them haphazardly around the living room—when she sees them tell her you’re embarrassed because you like art films with depth. Dump out all non alcoholic beverages including juices and the like. Tell her all you have is beer, liquor, or a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade your friend’s girlfriend left there. Finally, if she plans on leaving early, give her a hug and say, “Wow, you smell like alcohol. You sure you should be driving? You can crash here. I swear, no funny business; we can sleep butt to butt, if you like.” She will and you’ll eventually turn over. I’ll pass you the soup, you already got the SPOOON.