Dear Nocketback,
I’m being used. I’ve been seeing this gal for about three months now but it’s not really a “relationship”. She calls it friends with benefits, which sounds good, but it’s not. We go out like we’re dating. I’ll take her out for dinner and movies and buy her clothes and stuff, but she makes it clear we’re not an “item” but I always pay the bill. The reason I keep doing this is because she sometimes shows me some affection. We’ll be intimate every so often and it seems like she really likes me. But, then she leaves and it’s back to the same routine. How should I approach her? I want a real relationship with her.
--Used and Abused

Dear U&A,
Sounds like you have what I like to call a “pay to play” friend. Listen, homes: girls use guys for things they need. If she’s in need of a new blouse, off to Charlotte Rouse you go. If she doesn’t need something you can provide, she doesn’t return your calls, right? It sounds as if you’re—and don’t get upset at me here—paying for sex. Basically, you do all these things (allow yourself to be used) so that at some point, when she’s drunk off retail items, you’ll be intimate. No worries, though, boss, I have the solution—this will save you thousands of dollars a year. You have to stop calling her—girls like jerks, especially guys who pretend to not be interested. Secondly, and most importantly, when you feel that intimate need and really want to see her…get some Kleenex, crack open that lotion bottle, fire up that computer, and handle yourself silly. The moment you release that “built up tension” you’ll have no need for her in your life. Pretty soon, you’ll find the Kleenex a far better lay—and a much, much cheaper date.

Dear Nocketback,
I’ll make this really brief. This girl I’ve been seeing says she’s pregnant. I’m going crazy. She’s not even my girlfriend. In fact, she gets around with a lot of guys, but she says it’s mine. What now?
--Unplanned Parenthood

Dear UP,
Ouch! There’s no time to lose. I have a plan of action for you, but you must be willing to commit. There are only two choices for you at this point, here they are:
1. A long, terrible existence paying a girl you despise for 19 years
2. Get a passport (if you don’t have one), get a one-way ticket to San Cristobal, Venezuela (no extradition with the United States), get a job which pays cash under the table, and enjoy your freedom! I also suggest getting a vasectomy (it’s a twenty minute process for a lifetime of relief).