Dear Nocketback,

So I started going out with this girl several months back and we have a great time together. We go out at least once a week and talk pretty much every day. I’ve told her about my feelings for her, but every time I ask her how she feels about me, she ignores the question or changes the subject. I’m also pretty sure she’s seeing someone else, or at least hanging out with some guy she works with regularly. I’m enamored with her and don’t know what the next step should be. How can I get her to notice me? I’m desperate, Nocketback. PLEASE HELP!
--Heart Help

Dear HH,
Oh man, this looks bleak. Here’s the deal, Boss, you’re never gonna get this one. Consider her your white whale, Ahab. I’ve seen this scenario played out far too many times in my courting tenure. Basically, she’s with someone else (romantically) that’s my way of saying she’s banging other people. She thinks of you as a FRIEND—someone she can talk to about her daily problems. I bet you pay for everything when you go out, too, right? This is a tactic women have that allows them to eat for free, get chauffeured around, and complain about their day to someone who’ll listen. She probably is repulsed by the thought of sleeping with you. Here’s the thing, you gotta jet. You can’t win this—never in the history of man has anyone ever MADE someone else like them. Unless you want to forever be frustrated, see her roll in the hay with more guys than a gay cowboy, and suck up your money faster than a variable mortgage home loan, than go for it. Otherwise, leave now…I know it’ll be hard, but females are smart. If they can have their cake and eat it too, they’ll ask for seconds and drink your milk in the process.
Yours, NN