Dear Nocketback

Dear Nocketback,
I really love your column—you rock. I hope this gets printed because I’m in desperate need of assistance. My boyfriend, who I just moved in with 3 weeks ago, has an annoying little Pomeranian. It barks at everything and shits on the hardwood floor. We can’t have company because it just flips out and barks at everyone nonstop. It would be better if he disciplined it or cleaned up after it, but no. He just lays around waiting for me to take care of it. So I have to clean up, feed it, and send it to the cleaners while he plays online computer games. How can I make him take responsibility?
Sincerely,
Must Love Dogs

Dear MLD,
As a fellow pet loather, I have to recommend harsh treatment. I don’t know why people domesticate animals. My guess is they were not loved as a child, are in need of companionship and cannot have kids (better in my book), or are mental. Put it this way, your man’s a cock. He won’t commit to this and probably much else either, I’m guessing. Three things: (1) Try leaving the gate open so it can escape (if there’s an identifying tag, take it off). (2) Try pouring one tiny capful of Clorox or any one of your favorite household cleansers into its water—do this slowly, though, so it won’t happen all at once. Slow and low, like you’re cooking ribs. From what you say, he’s too lazy to take initiative and have an autopsy done, so you’re clear. (3) Ultimatum: if he doesn’t dump the dog, you’ll dump him. Guys come and go—there are plenty of fish in the sea (and non-domesticated ones, to boot). And, if all else fails, bring home a stray cat.
Kisses, Nocketback.