Dear Nocketback

Dear Nocketback,
So, I don’t quite know how to broach this subject, but here’s my trouble. I’ve been seeing this girl, and she’s wonderful and sweet and incredibly sexy to boot, and we’re having a great time. She’s invited me back to her place twice and, both times, we’ve ended up making out and, though I think she wanted things to go further, and lord knows I did, I had to cut it short both times and get myself out of there. Because (and here’s the embarrassing part) I have genital herpes and I have absolutely no idea how to tell her. Help me, Nocketback. I really like this girl, and I don’t want to scare her off, but herpes are scary as hell, and I’m in a real pickle, you know…

Hard up in Hanford (ironic, no?)

Dear HuiH,
Oooooh! I haven’t had the pleasure, but I once accidentally masturbated with Lava soap (a porous, industrial cleanser). Needless to say, I was burning for a couple days. Here’s the thing, Boss, you will never be able to broach this subject without completely frightening this woman, forget it. What you need to do is lay the pipe, hope for the best, and if something happens and she asks, blame it on her. It’s called the old switcheroo—oldest trick in the book, works every time.

Dear Nocketback,
I’ve had problem skin since I was a teen. I won’t tell you how old I am, but let’s say I could be your mother. I’m not normally a self-conscious person, but my face is what everyone sees at work. I just recently heard someone refer to me as “oiliest faced person in the world” and that they could see their own reflection in my forehead. I’ve tried everything. You’re my only hope.

Anonymous

Dear A,
Repeat after me: “I am beautiful. I have traits other than physical beauty that people love me for. I will not be another superficial Fresnan.” Now that we have that out of the way, here’s my real advice. Try using a regular bar of Dial soap—not the transparent yellow stick, the white, Mountain Fresh one. Use it thrice daily for two weeks—do not skip a day. If, for some reason, this doesn’t work, you can do one of two things: 1. mask your hideousness with super expensive clothes that will gain the respect your face won’t. 2. Don’t leave the house again.